EMILY’S STORY:
Growing up I came to believe that if you were very emotional, you were out of control, you were not stable and you were not as capable.
So for the first 20 years of my life I learned to hide my feelings. I got into acting and the theatre because that was a safer space to express emotionally and I numbed my deep feelings in various ways mostly with food and a heavy addiction to sugar.
Moving into high school and college I got more and more unwell. I was diagnosed with anxiety, hormonal disorders, and other steady chronic health issues. I took medications for years and dealt with lots of frustrating side effects.
Then one day I decided to go another way. I began studying every physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual practice I could get my hands on to try to help myself.
I traveled to India multiple times and I even went through a phase where I believed that if I was enlightened enough, I would never have to “suffer” and experience these unwanted emotions like deep pain, grief or fear again.
Whenever I “suffered” during that time I felt deep shame and would see it as a sign that I just hadn’t worked hard enough to fix myself.
Then little by little in my 20’s and 30’s it began to dawn on me what the story of my life was teaching me.
Only through embracing my full emotional life, through learning to relate to my fear, my grief, my anger and my hurt differently, have I come to experience more genuine joy, peace, happiness, and health.
All of my chronic health issues of the past were physically, mentally and emotionally related. And what I observe in our culture today is that we are particularly quick to ignore our emotional signals in relationship to our health.
The common emotional conversation says that if you are having intense hard feelings on a regular basis there is something wrong with you, you are chemically imbalanced or that the best solution is to be on medication if you want to be a productive member of society. I’ve watched our suicide rates grow higher and our addiction to drugs and numbing increase.
Many people are afraid to speak up about how much they feel because our culture can be so quick to shame or judge you for being too emotional. I witness someone apologizing for crying almost every single day.
When we can learn to be there for ourselves and for others during big emotional moments - depths of connection, insight, and healing can occur.
These moments are the ones that I often remember more than any other moments in my life. Like the first time I held myself shaking in bed and told myself, “I’m here for you Emily.” Like when I saw my father cry and was able to stay looking into his eyes. Like when I stood beside my dear friend as he called out in the middle of the desert for the loss of his son.
There is such an opportunity to lean in and stay with the depth of feeling that is happening. I believe it is getting to the core of the human experience and helps us to become whole again.
